A Single Step.

It will come as no surprise to anyone that the holiday season is going to be particularly difficult and emotional this year. As I was reflecting today I let doubt occupy my heart and my mind because sometimes it is okay to do that, and sometimes it just happens whether you try to control it or not. Thanksgiving, I thought, what do I have to be thankful for this year? My life feels shattered, my heart is broken and most days I don't even want to get out of bed. And then, like a kick in the head shouting “shut up and look around you!!” God did something amazing... He answered a prayer I pray every day and since I was paying attention for once, I heard it over the shouts from my shattered heart.

I’ve never been as faithful as I should be. I’ve always believed in God but found it hard to be close to him. I've been having a pretty hard time with God lately. But I am trying really hard because I really want to feel faithful and close to Him. I’ve been reading, I’ve been ranting, I’ve searched for meaning and I’ve given up that search entirely and I've picked it up again… but one of the most profound things I read in one of my various books about God, heaven, death, etc... was in a book by a brilliant Christian woman named Angie Smith. If you’ve ever been struggling, feeling inadequate, down, or otherwise at odds with God and the world around you, I would suggest “I Will Carry You” or “What Women Fear”. I also need to thank Mrs. Sara Newton for passing along the wonderful book “I Will Carry You” at exactly the right time. What Angie Smith said completely changed the way I pray… to paraphrase; God knows what is in our hearts, he made our hearts before we ever felt breath or saw the light of day. He knows what it is like to have a child die he had to make that choice for his son, prayer does not have to be so formal. Ask Him for what you need. Tell Him how you are feeling and ask for help (He knows anyway and He wants to help if you will get out of your way and let Him).

I’ve been asking for a lot of help lately. Well, begging really, every day. My optimistic and catholic mother  always told me things like “don’t worry about anything, pray about everything!” My dad, also catholic had even truer words for me shortly after Reagan died: “sometimes we just don’t get to know or understand the why… I pray every day that I get to meet God someday so I can ask him why” I thought a great deal about both of those pieces of wisdom and decided that I was going to try to be more faithful. So I’ve been starting each day with this simple prayer when I can think of nothing else to pray for: "good morning Lord, thank you for this day, I know you are good every day, but some days it is so hard to see. I am struggling. Every day I am struggling and it hurts; I wrestle with doubt and resentment every day. I have love in my heart, I want to be close to you, I want to be a good wife, daughter, sister, and friend but I need help. Please ease my doubts. Please help me with my struggle and with my unfaithfulness. And above all, keep my baby safe."

Today as I allowed my mind to feel so sorry for myself, God was working with my heart and the answer hit me hard. What do I have to be thankful for? Everything. I have a family that has and continues to stand behind me every day of my life. I have two parents who have more love and compassion in their hearts than you would expect to find in 1000 hearts. Parents who taught me that it is okay to feel things fully and wholly and to be open with those feelings. Parents who taught me that I cannot expect perfection in this world, that pain, hurt, heartbreak, and setbacks are sometimes out of our control... What is in our control is how we CHOOSE to react to adversity. In a word, it is resilience. I have a choice in how I react. No one would probably blame me if I chose to not get out of bed some days, if I chose to be angry most days, and if I chose to let my sadness and emotions overwhelm and overpower me... But that is not my choice. I have chosen, and have to choose again everyday to get up, to channel my sadness and emotion into something better. Now I still fail at this, I fail at this a lot when I indulge the negativity that we are all prone to and embrace my doubts. But my choice is to try as hard as I can to be the person who clings to faith. I want to be the person whom Reagan could have been as proud to have as a mother as I am of the mother that I get to call mine. I also have a husband who tries everyday to make me happy. He does try every day… even when I make it really hard, even though he is not happy himself. He tries for me and I try for him. I have the best friends a girl could ask for, I have sisters who are always there for me, brothers who will get me drunk to distract me if it seems like a good idea a sister-in-law who can relate to the situation but doesn’t have to say a word about it to let me know she cares. Sometimes it is just nice to get on a horse and ride and talk about horses. I also have the most adorable nieces and nephews on the planet. Just looking at pictures of them or talking to them on the phone reminds me to feel joy in every day, child-like, whole hearted, giggle playing peek-a-boo joy. All of these things are gifts that I am thankful for.

It is hard to put this in words but I will try. When your child dies, your love does not. The love is where the hurt comes from... No matter how much I believe in heaven and that I WILL get to see my daughter again, it is the space between now and then that hurts and tears and rips through even the most thought out composure to reveal raw and unyielding love for a little girl that I wanted to teach to walk and be sassy and ride horses and go shopping and dress up in ridiculous tutus and bows and frills. Someday I may have another daughter, but what it sometimes feels like people fail to understand is that I wanted all of that and more with Reagan Jean... Not a child, THAT child. No child will replace Reagan. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled and I would never want it to be. But there is hope too because there has to be hope or I wouldn’t get out of bed every morning and because I know that she will live in my heart forever. She has forever changed and reshaped me and I am so thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to know her and to feel the kind of love for her that is capable of changing and reshaping the foundation of a person and a heart. Not everyone gets a chance to feel a love like that…

Grief is hard. Grief is exhausting. It puts strain on every relationship that you have. There is always this little voice in the back of my head saying things like: “you talking about Reagan too much, you’re making people uncomfortable by bringing up your sob story again. People are going to get sick of you being so damned sad all the time and quit asking you to do things. Don’t be the person that sucks all the good energy out of a room when you open your mouth. Don’t make your problems their problems.” And so on. I have this constant inner dialogue now that never shuts up. I second guess everything before I’m going to say it, “will this add to the conversation or just turn the focus back to me and my sadness”. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to be overcome all the time. To my friends and family: I appreciate your love and support more than I can ever put into words… but it is okay to tell me about your day too. Tell me about something that feels normal. Had a fight with your boyfriend? Got drunk and did something stupid? Tell me! I want to be a good friend to you too. Also if I bring up Reagan, it doesn’t always mean that I am sad… many times, things remind me of her, most of the time in a really happy way. I don’t know how to explain how much life and living was done in those 22 days. It feels like it was 2 years with all of the memories I have of the pregnancy and planning her room and decorating and then her time in the NICU. I refuse to quarantine those memories into the ‘do not discuss’ box. People freeze up the second I say the name Reagan… real palpable tension freezes and no one knows what to say. I completely understand, but I just hate that! Just know, she was my daughter, I love her very much, and regardless of anything and everything that I could feel, I have an overwhelming feeling of pride that she was mine and that she was tough and perfect even if she was tiny! Even if just for a little while, all 1 pound 1 ½ ounces of that beautiful little girl was ours and that seems pretty damned amazing to me. I don’t know jack about potty training, disciplining toddlers, or teaching kids to sit still in church but I know what it is like to love your kid and people who love their kids talk about their kids… so I won’t stop don’t ask me to.

I am also trying to find outlets to deal with my grief. I read a lot. I read books about religion, about grief, about heaven, and sometimes when I just need an escape I pick up a fluff book. I'm going to church every Sunday. I stop by the cemetery on my way home and tell Reagan about what I've just heard. I've told God on more than one occasion that I was planning to tell and teach Reagan all about Him... but since I won't be able to I'd really like it if He could tell her a little bit about me and then I promise to continue to try and be the kind of person that they can both be proud of. When I come home on Sundays I reflect, I write down the message I picked up during the Gospel and the sermon and then I paraphrase it, put it on a stikcy note and put it somewhere in my house that I am sure I will see it every day so that I will be reminded. I’ve started writing again… yesterday I sat down in front of the computer and wrote something out that actually made sense. For the first time since the last post on Reagan’s blog I wrote something that was not just a random bunch of trash and rants. I may try to write a book, though I haven’t the slightest idea how one goes about writing a book.

What I am trying to say is that I am thankful for love and support and resilience. Vivian Greene has said: “Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about Learning To Dance In The Rain.”Don't be surprised if you ask me how I am doing and I say “I’m okay”. I’m not good and I’m not going to tell you I am good. Most of the time my smile is fake and I’m trying really hard to hold an intelligent conversation because I have to try really hard to focus on anything right now. But I am alive, I am upright, I am trying, I am choosing to put a smile on my face, I am choosing to focus on the positive things in my life, and I am really REALLY and truely thankful for everything that I do have. God has blessed me in many ways and someday maybe I will get a chance ask Him my whys, but until then I will choose to put my faith and trust in Him and put my energy into learning to dance in the rain.