Dynamic

You should know that this blog one form of my therapy. It is my diary and I have chosen for better or worse to share it with you all, not to be dramatic or because I am seeking pity or any other motive. To be honest, I'm not really sure why I chose to share it other than I am hopeful that by sharing this journey, and allowing all of you some insight into my grief process, you will understand it a little better and maybe find some ways to relate. I’ve always been much better with writing my feelings than expressing them in other ways so this seemed most natural to me. Also, so many of you shared in our joy and our journey with Reagan, this is another part of that journey. I wish that I could tell you that somewhere in this process I am going to discover a wonderful, meaningful, beautiful, reason for all of this to have occurred; but I can’t. What I can promise you is that I am trying and will continue to try and make some sort of peace with all of this. I want to be a better person because I had Reagan in my life, not a bitter person because I couldn’t keep her and so I will be.

Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I have a pretty complex personality. I am an extrovert with mainly introverted tendencies; I like asking for advice but I rarely take it. I love being around people but often need my space and alone time. I like knowing people are there for me but I am fiercely independent. Sometimes I do things that make absolutely no sense (even to me).

 

1.       dy·nam·ic /dīˈnamik/

Adjective: (of a process or system) Characterized by constant change, activity, or progress

Noun: A force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process.

                I’d say that pretty much sums me up J

 
These things make me who I am, but it can make me hard to analyze, no one knows that more than Matt and my family.  As of late, my moods have become more dynamic than usual… it is something I am working hard to control but sometimes it just comes out and certain things, most of the time things I wasn’t expecting, trigger my reactions. Sometimes it’s a day, like December 1. It was our due date, it should have been Reagan’s Birthday but instead it was an emotional rollercoaster. Even surrounded by some of my favorite people I felt completely alone. Even though I had a million thoughts running through my head all day, I had a hard time expressing any of them and probably reacted boldly when things did catch me off guard. Please know that there is nothing that could have been said or done that would have made that day any better or worse.

I want to say thank you to everyone who loves, is there for me, and never questions my ever changing dynamics. I hope that I am doing alright and holding myself together as well as is expected but to be honest I’m probably not nearly as “together” as I appear. Please bear with me... You know those mornings when it is foggy enough that schools are delayed, but it is not so foggy that you cannot make it to work? You leave 10 or 15 minutes early and you creep along much more slowly than you normally would on your regular commute. You have your headlights on and you know this road like the back of your hand but through the fog it seems somehow… different and intimidating. It is not what you know is there that scares you; you know that as you go around the next curve the road suddenly curves back to the right, but through the haze  it’s hard to anticipate how sharply. What you can’t see, the unknown, is what has you so unnerved. You can see just far enough in front of you to continue to creep forward, but you cannot possibly anticipate if there will be another car going more slowly than usual just out of sight or a deer crossing the road just through the haze… I think that there is a parallel to grief here. We know the routines, the road we must keep going down. We are as prepared as we can be for the unexpected we have our guard up and our headlights on but what we can’t anticipate are the things around us and out of our control. How would you react if that deer just ahead ran out in front of you in the fog? And what do you say when someone says something that catches you off guard. Do you overcorrect? Sometimes I do and it is hard to recover when that happens. If my reaction ever comes across more impudent than expected, I’ve likely overcorrected. Maybe something caught me off guard, maybe something hit a nerve, or maybe it is just because I struggle with adequately being able to socialize more so now than I ever have. It might be insecurity, but it might just be that “normal” things require more effort through a thick haze.  

I feel that there is also a mental fog element involved. It is easy to become preoccupied as you strain to see ahead of you through the fog. You become so worried about the “what if” that you momentarily lose sight of the obvious. You’re worried about other drivers on the road and you lose your place, suddenly you don’t remember if you’ve gone past the stop ahead sign or if it is just ahead. Or you look at your phone during a meeting only to realize the date is somehow significant and you struggle to force your thoughts back to the task at hand. But you have to keep moving forward so maybe you slow down a little but you don’t stop.

…Now try to imagine driving blindfolded through the fog with only a passenger to guide you and give you directions. You nor the passenger giving you directions has ever been on this road before and on top of that, your passenger is a moody little thing and seems to go mute randomly as things you cannot see fly by the windows… that is the task I feel like my support system has been burdened with.

But take heart those who mourn. Fog is unpredictable. Sometimes it burns off slowly, it takes most of day but it continues to get better. Sometimes it seems like a few minutes and it lifts, or you drive continually in and out of the fog. As a whole, this will have to burn off slowly, but day to day, sometimes it lifts suddenly or we drive out of it and we can see clearly, even if just for a few minutes.

It is always okay to talk or ask about Reagan… If you think that Matt and I don’t think about her constantly, you would be mistaken, and honestly most of those thoughts are happy. But guess what? If something you or I say during the discussion upsets me, or brings me to tears, it is probably NOT the first time or the last time that will happen today J I’m not trying to dramatic that’s just reality and its okay we know that is going to happen sometimes. So thank you, Matt, Mom, Dad, and ALL of my friends and family who try to gracefully navigate through my fog. I promise your efforts are not unappreciated or unnoticed.